One Day
by GeneralQuistis-Zhakeena
Summary: Days usually start nicely... but there are some days wherein you just wake up from the wrong side of the bed. Various humor stories about waking up from the wrong side of the bed from each of our dear FF7 cast, anyone?
1. Cloud

One Day

By Zhakeena and General Quistis

Disclaimer: We don't own anything but the story plot.

A/N: Due to extreme boredom, our sick humor just began to work… so here it is. Sorry for the OOC. It's for the sake of funny.

=======================================================

One day, upon waking up, Cloud realized that he lost his…

*gasp*

Chest hairs.

Upon realizing this, he rushed out of his bedroom in the AVALANCHE home in Sector 7, Midgar, and dashed to Barret's room. "Barret! Barret! Something terrible has happened!!!" Cloud cried out in a frantic manner.

The sleepy big bear got up. "Wha?! Wha?! What happened? Did ShinRa explode again?" he demanded.

"NO! My chest hairs are gone!!!" Cloud wailed.

Silence.

"What?" Barret asked, face-faulting.

"MY CHEST HAIRS ARE GONE!" Cloud sniffed before bawling.

"Aw, shu' up, ya foo'! More like ya brain's disappeared too!" Barret threw a pillow at the crying Cloud to make him shut up.

Cloud caught the pillow in his mouth, swallowed it and wailed even louder. 

"Demet, foo'! You'z jes' ate mah dang pillow!" Barret blubbered in amazement. 

"WAAAAH! I'M A GIRLY MAN AGAIN! WAAAAH!" Cloud continued. 

"What's going on?" Vincent asked from the doorway with a sleepy look on his face.

"This guy lost his damn chest hairs and now he's cryin' like a gurl!" Barret replied with a frustrated look on his face.

Vincent just stared unbelievably at Cloud. "You woke up the whole of Midgar just because of that?" he asked.

Cloud stopped crying. "I did?" he asked in disbelief, with a look of awe on his face.

"Just a figure of speech." Vincent replied.

"Figure of speech?" Cloud asked.

"Oh no, don't tell me ya don't know what that is?" Barret chimed in.

"No." Cloud answered simply.

"His hairs must've been connected to his brain and when they disappeared, the poor brain disappeared too…" Barret muttered miserably.

"Never mind. Just go back to your bedroom and…" Vincent trailed off when he realized that Cloud was still wearing his usual sleepwear: his shirt and jammies. "How the bloody hell did you find out that you lost your chest hairs?" he continued.

Cloud began to cry again. "They spoke to me and told me that they hate me! Then they plucked themselves out of my chest and… *sniff* it hurt!!! And then they packed their bags and left without saying goodbye and… *sniff…sniff*  and then they went to Sephiroth and implanted themselves on his chest and… NOW HE'S GOT BLONDE AND SILVER CHEST HAIRS!!!!! WAAAAAH!" he explained.

Vincent and Barret both exchanged confused looks. "I think that was a dream, Cloud." The former told him.

Cloud stopped crying. "Really?" he asked.

"Yeah." Barret replied.

Vincent went to Cloud and patted his shoulder. "You can check if you want to." He said.

"How?" Cloud asked.

"Take off the damn shirt, dammit!" Barret snapped impatiently.

"Okay," Cloud removed his shirt and…

*gasp* 

The chest hairs are really gone!

"OH NOOOOOO! IT'S TRUE!!!!! IT'S NOT A DREAM!!!" Cloud was screaming frantically.

"Wh…what's going on? What's with the screaming?" Aerith asked from the doorway as she entered the scene.

"Aerith! Aerith! My chest hairs are gone! They went to Sephiroth!" Cloud wailed helplessly.

Aerith raised an eyebrow. "Cloud, you don't have chest hairs." She pointed out.

Silence.

"I don't?" Cloud asked.

"You don't." she stated flatly with a stiff look on her face.

"Oh, that's okay, then…" Cloud replied before prancing out of the room back to his own bedroom.

"What was that all about?" Vincent asked, turning to Aerith.

"Yeah, how'd you know he doesn't have chest hairs?" Barret asked.

Aerith just smiled at them. "Heeheehee." And then left the room.

            Sephiroth yawned and opened his eyes, feeling the cold December air around him… "Because I left the window open again…" he thought miserably before he got up from his bed, stretched and proceeded to close the window. Then, he faced the mirror and realized that he forgot to put on a shirt before going to bed last night. "And that's why it's really so cold…" he thought silently. He turned away from the mirror but stiffened. His green eyes widened all of a sudden before turning back to face the mirror again because he just realized something.

He screamed and touched his chest. "What the hell?! Where did these come from?!" he asked out loud frantically.

Okay, we all know he doesn't have any chest hairs based from what we've all seen during the last battle with him… but then…

"THEY'RE BLONDE!" Sephiroth cried out in disbelief.

Bow. 

Now here are some questions for you:

Was it really just a dream? Or did Aerith pluck them out and transferred them to Sephiroth? Or maybe it was another person who did it… Or it's just coincidence. 

You decide. -.-'


	2. Rufus

            One day, upon waking up, Rufus realized that he had lost something very important to him…

Something that symbolizes his manhood.

Something that makes him what he is!!!!!!!!!!

His *tooooooot*

Hey, why'd ya censor that! It's not gross!

*Ahem*

Anyway, since the censors are against us though there's nothing wrong with saying *tooooooo* (not again…), we just have to bear with them. Hopefully, they'd let us say the word later on at the end of this fic so that you wouldn't get confused.

Rufus instantly got up from his bed and rushed to the mirror, checking his reflection. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?! WHERE'S MY *TOOOOOOT*!" he cried out loud in annoyance.

Dark Nation woke up from his screaming. "Meowr?" She looked up at her owner… and hissed. "MEOWR!!!! *You look and smell strange! Who are you and what have you done to Rufus?!*" 

Rufus raised his hands to his kitty. "Don't! I'm Rufus! Can't you recognize me?" he asked.

"My Rufus has a *toooot*! You don't have it!" Dark Nation thought to herself as she continued to hiss at Rufus.

Unfortunately, Rufus got drunk last night and ended up sleeping naked, so when Dark Nation began to chase him around the room, in all his glory, President Rufus rushed out of his own bedroom into the hallway.

"KYAAAAAH!"

Rufus turned red upon seeing Scarlet. The Head of the Weapon's Department apparently was carrying some paperwork but she accidentally scattered them around when she dropped them so that she could cover her eyes and turn away from the horribleness of it all before grabbing her mobile phone and made a call. "Tseng! One of your Turks here is roaming around ShinRa naked!" she said with a trembling tone.

"Who?" Tseng asked from the other line.

"Bloody hell, Scarlet! It's me, Rufus!" he wanted to say out loud, but realizing that she wasn't able to recognize him, he just decided to keep quiet about his true identity to spare himself the shame and embarrassment. With that, he proceeded back to his own door and tried to open it, but the evil kitty had locked it from inside.

"NOOOOOO!" Rufus screeched angrily.

Not knowing what else to do, he picked up some of the paper Scarlet dropped and covered himself best as he could. Then, he ran from his shrieking/frantic/shocked/etc executive. 

"Gotta get some clothes…" Rufus muttered to himself as he made his way to the elevator and just decided to go to his own office on the 70th floor. Upon arriving there, he had to crawl on the floor so that his secretary wouldn't see him…

He successfully reached his own office room and shut the door angrily.

"Damn… how long am I going to stay here naked? I'm beginning to get cold…" he thought miserably before thinking of going to the telephone and make a phone call to Heidegger. The fat guy wouldn't answer the call.

"DAMN! He's gonna get a salary deduction for this!" he snapped before trying the other numbers.

At that precise moment, his friends the AVALANCHE rebel group crashed through his window. 

"FOO'! WE GOT YA NOW, ShinRa…" Barret began fiercely, but trailed off. 

Along with Barret were Cloud, Aerith, Yuffie, Vincent, Cid Highwind, Tifa and Red XIII.

Aerith screamed and covered her eyes before hiding behind Cloud, who was gaping at Rufus unbelievably.

Cid Highwind began laughing, while Yuffie was guffawing…

Red XIII's jaw dropped, so did Barret.

Tifa covered her furiously blushing face. 

And Vincent… regarded this briefly before watching Rufus think of what to do next… and told Rufus, "Nice. What happened to your *tooooot*?"

Silence.

Rufus blushed angrily. "Get outta here! All of you!!! Out! Out! Out!" he shooed them away with his free hand, while his other hand grabbed a folder and covered what needed to be covered (and since he's facing them, you know what it is).

They didn't move.

"Okay, I'll step down from ShinRa, just get out of here!!!!!" Rufus yelled angrily.

Barret, Red XIII and Cid Highwind got out, laughing strangely, leaving the others still staring at him (except for the girls).

"Cloud, let's get out of here…" Aerith muttered.

Cloud was still staring at Rufus. "Man, why are you naked?" he asked.

"Shut up, Cloud Strife! Get out of here!" Rufus snapped angrily.

"Hehehe! You're naked! And without your *toooot* too!" Cloud apparently didn't get what Rufus was trying to say. 

"You…" Rufus began, but was cut off by a familiar noise. "What the…" 

"Hey, looky Prez! A chopper's flyin' out your window! Heeheehee!" Yuffie said, jumping up and down excitedly while pointing at the chopper. 

"Okay, AVALANCHE! The Turks are here ta kick you out of here!" Reno's voice came out of a megaphone. 

"Oh my god…" Rufus mumbled to himself. 

"Hey, who's that one over there? …. Hey, hey, hey!!! Naked!" 

Elena shrieked and covered her eyes, turning away from Rufus.

"That must be the guy that Scarlet mentioned streaking!" Tseng yelled amidst the commotion as the male Turks jumped out from the chopper and landed inside the President's Office.

Rude stared at Rufus. "Hey, how come he doesn't have *tooot*?" he asked out loud.

"GET OUT OF HERE! ALL OF YOU! OUT! OUT! OUT!" Rufus snapped angrily.

"Meowrrrrr…."

Rufus stiffened. "Uh-oh…" he turned to the door and there was Dark Nation with an angry look on her face.

The kitty pounced at him.

He ran off from Dark Nation and rushed out of his office, the kitty still chasing him.

Silence.

"Hey, what happened to Rufus's hair?" Tifa asked finally after overcoming her shock.

Hmm… what did you think it was, huh???? =D

Yeah, he lost his hair.


	3. Rude

            One day, upon waking up, Rude realized upon looking at his reflection in the mirror that he had grown hair.

And it's blonde.

"Oh my…" he muttered nervously.

He wanted to shave it off but he doesn't have any razor… or anything that he can use to shave his hair off.

But he still rummaged through the medicine cabinet of the bathroom, and the noise eventually woke up Reno who was his roommate.

"Hey, President Rufus! What are you doing in our room?" Reno asked in surprise.

Rude stiffened. "Oh no…." he muttered miserably, realizing that his hair was as blonde as Rufus's.

Reno realized that the guy was wearing shades and that he was sorta dark-skinned. He froze. "Rude?" he asked. 

Silence.

"Where'd you get the wig?" Reno teased as he went to his Turk buddy and roommate, patting his head playfully. "Heheheh. I thought you were President Rufus!" he pointed out.

"I need scissors," Rude said nervously before he ran off.

"Is this even real?" Reno was still holding Rude's hair and realized that it was real because it made Rude yelp in pain. "Shit, it's real! Damn, Rude! What happened to you?" Reno asked in disbelief.

"Must be the new medicated shampoo that Hojo gave to me the other day!" Rude said.

"Why would you even shampoo your head while you're supposed to be bald?" Reno asked.

Rude ignored the question and just rushed out of their room.

"Where's Tseng, where's Tseng… where's Tseng?" he thought silently as he made his way to the Turks' lounge. Elena was inside, drinking some hot chocolate.

She almost spitted out her drink upon seeing the blonde stranger with sunglasses and the Turk uniform. "Eh? Are you a new member?" she asked curiously.

"Where's Tseng?" Rude asked, ignoring her question.

"Uhm… I think he's in the Dining Area with some other people preparing President Rufus's breakfast." Elena explained.

"Oh good! He's just preparing, meaning, President Rufus is not yet there!" Rude thought happily before dashing out of the Turks' Lounge and headed for the dining area, just barging inside without any warning and headed straight to Tseng who was standing by the seat next to the President's seat. "Tseng! Help! I need scissors! Hojo gave me this special shampoo which gave me this blonde hair and…" 

"Can we just talk about that outside? It's embarrassing for President Rufus." Tseng said.

Silence.

Rude slowly turned his gaze to the person seated on the seat next to the President's seat. "OH NO!!!" he wailed, then turned to Rufus who was seated on the President's seat. Rufus was smiling sarcastically at him. "Aren't you going to say 'hi' to Miss Lockheart who is joining me for breakfast today?" he asked with an evil tone.

Well, we all know that Rude has a crush on Miss Lockheart, right? And since she became Rufus's girlfriend in this certain fic, well, Rude's got a problem… because Rufus knows that Rude's got a crush on Tifa and he keeps on giving him salary deductions for it.

Rude turned to Tifa with a forced smile on his face. "Uh… hi, Miss Lockheart!" he greeted, trying to sound cheerful.

Tifa stared at Rude before smiling. "Nice hair. Suits you well. You even resemble Ruffy." She said with a hinting tone.

The hinting tone means that she's making Rufus jealous so that Rufus would give Rude another salary deduction. It's her way of revenge against the Turks and the rest of the ShinRa executives who ruined her life before.

Upon hearing Tifa's 'compliment', Rude felt the background turn into black spiraling lines. 

Rufus forced a smile too much that it turned psychotic. Tseng, upon seeing this, flinched. So imagine how Rude felt like. "Oh, Ruuude~! Did you hear that? My hairstyle suits you~!" Rufus said sarcastically before pointing the butter knife at him. "SALARY DEDUCTION!!!" he snapped impatiently.

Tifa winked at Rude.

Many more salary deductions came, because even if he shaved off his hair, the next day, it grew back again. "Oh… now I only have one Gil left…" Rude thought silently as he walked out of the ShinRa building. "At least today's my day-off…" he thought silently as he passed by Sector 6 moments later.

Then, he saw Aerith the flower girl walking with Cloud towards him. She smiled at him. "Buy a flower for a gil?" she asked sweetly. 

"Uhm… no thanks," Rude answered. 

He stopped when he saw Cloud sneering at him because he refused to buy a flower from Aerith.

Rude nervously got his wallet and pulled out his one remaining gil from it and handed it to Aerith. "Here you go." He said nervously.

Aerith smiled sweetly at him before handing him the flower. "Thanks!" she said before she and Cloud went off.

Rude, penniless and egoless, returned back to ShinRa with a frustrated look on his face. "I got a damn flower for all of my troubles…" he thought miserably before passing through the lobby… and there was Tifa approaching him. "Uh-oh…" he thought.

Tifa saw the flower. She approached him happily. "For me?" she asked happily.

Unfortunately, there's a surveillance camera there directly linked to President  Rufus's monitor in his office.

"Oh no…" Rude thought as he felt himself shrinking…

Salary deduction.


	4. Vincent

            One day, when Vincent was strolling down the streets of Nibelheim heading back to the ShinRa Mansion, he spotted something on the side of the road. 

An unconscious kid. "Oh my Hyne," mumbled Vincent as he approached the child. He got down and poked it (Vinny wasn't sure if it was a boy or a girl, given how effeminate boys look like these days.) with his claw. "Hello?" he said, unsure of what else to say. 

The kid instantly sat up straight and didn't move. Vincent raised an eyebrow at this. A few moments of silence and confusion later, the kid turned its head and looked at Vincent. 

Vincent wasn't sure of what to do. "…. What?" he asked. 

The kid blinked once and went, "FWARGH!" and hugged him tightly.

Vincent was stunned. "Wh…what?! What the… hey!" he stammered, the hairs at the back of his neck rising because there was a strange resemblance of Sephiroth on the child.

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" the kid chanted rather happily before looking up at him with his blue eyes. The kid was smiling. "I have found you!!!" he said with tears in his eyes.

Vincent's eyes widened as he tried to smile weakly at the child. "But… I'm not your mommy. I'm a man!" he said.

The kid stared at him for a few seconds. "Oh, daddy said that you'd say that, I'm expecting it… but you're my mommy!!!" the kid embraced him again.

"Uhm… who's your daddy?" Vincent asked rather curiously.

"Never mind! You're here!" the boy replied.

"Oh-kay… so, what's your name, so that I can deposit you at the Police Station?" Vincent asked with a slight frown, feeling ridiculous because people were already beginning to stare at them.

The boy let go of him. "My name is Riku." He said.

Vincent stared quietly at the boy. "I'm not your mommy," he pointed out.

"Aw, c'mon! Even granny knows that you're my mommy because daddy told her!" the boy said cheerfully.

Vincent raised his eyebrow. "Granny?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yeah and…" the boy began, but Vincent did not let him finish; he grabbed the boy's hand and dragged him down the street, heading for the Police Station.

"Wh…where are you taking me, mommy?" the boy asked with a look of worry on his face.

"I'm not your mommy. Maybe I just resemble her. I'm taking you to the Police Station coz someone might be looking for you already," Vincent said sternly.

"No! You're my mommy! Look! A picture!" Riku pulled out a wallet-sized picture of a "woman" with long black hair, red eyes and a red bandanna around the forehead. 

Vincent's eyes widened. "That. Isn't. me." He pointed out with a trembling voice as he stared unbelievably at the picture. "Who's your daddy anyway?" he asked.

Riku just embraced Vincent tightly again and wept against his red cape. "WAaaah! Mommy! How could you leave daddy! He loved you very much! We're supposed to be one big happy family with granny too!" he wailed.

"Oh, stop it! Let's go!" Vincent continued to drag the boy.

"WAAAAH! Mommy! You're hurting me!!!" the boy cried.

"Vincent! What are you doing to that poor child!" Tifa called out, running towards them with a worried look on her face.

Vincent faked a smile as he looked at Tifa. "Oh, good day, Miss Lockheart. I'm on my way to the police station because this child seems to be lost." He said.

She blinked and stared at the child, then back at Vincent. "Gee, he's got silver hair just like…"

"DON'T MENTION THE NAME!" Vincent shrieked.

"See? You're beginning to sound like a girl! You're really my mommy!" Riku pointed out.

"Mommy?" Tifa asked in disbelief.

"The child is crazy! Don't believe him, Tifa," Vincent pointed out.

"Oh, so you're Tifa! Heheh." Riku said, letting go of Vincent and going to her. He shook hands with her like a true gentleman. 

Tifa smiled sweetly. "Aw, Vinny, what a sweet little boy! Is he the son of…"

"DON'T MENTION THE NAME! I'm warning you…" Vincent warned with a threatening look on his face.

"What's so bad about mentioning _Sephiroth?" Tifa asked curiously, feeling so clueless._

Silence.

"That's daddy's name." Riku said simply. 

Vincent and Tifa sweat-dropped. 

"And you're mommy!" Riku glomped Vincent. 

Vincent felt his world crumble like the graham crackers being crushed for cheesecake. "OH MY GAWD!" he was thinking in shock.

Tifa scratched her head. "Uhm… pardon me, little boy, but how could Vincent here be your mommy? He's a man!" she pointed out.

"I was born in the Lifestream, you know?" the boy said happily.

Silence.

"What's the connection?" Tifa asked Vincent.

"I don't know." He replied, trying to move away from the boy; but the boy wouldn't let him go.

"What's going on in here?" Cloud was already on his way to them.

"Oh, there you are! Please, be kind enough to help me! This kid is…" Vincent trailed off when he noticed that Cloud was staring at the kid.

Riku was also staring back at Cloud. "You look like my buddy's daddy." He said.

Silence.

"Now what?" Tifa asked, feeling more confused than before.

"You look like Sephiroth." Cloud pointed out to the kid.

"Of course, he's my daddy! And this is my mommy! Heehee!" Riku explained.

Silence again.

"How could he be your mommy? He's a man?" Cloud asked ridiculously.

"Daddy told me so. I wanted to meet my mommy so I came all the way here from the Lifestream… but I don't know how mommy looked like so I returned back to the Lifestream and asked for directions. I first approached Granny but she became hysterical and started screaming all over the place again… that also happened when I was born you know? But anyway, so I approached Mister Rufus and Miss Aerith because Mister ShinRa wouldn't answer me and Professor Hojo is ugly and I don't like him. Mister Rufus said that mommy has long black hair and red eyes and very tall… almost as tall as daddy. And Miss Aerith even gave me a picture of mommy! Look!" Riku showed Cloud the picture.

"Oh my Goodness! Did you say _Aerith_?" Cloud asked, running to the boy and shaking him frantically.

"Yeah." The boy said.

Silence.

Cloud just started to emote in one corner, leaving Tifa and Vincent to handle the boy.

"Rufus and Aerith set me up! I can't believe it!!!" Vincent thought silently, feeling so angry at himself and at the world but didn't know how to express it.

"So they're alive?" Tifa asked happily.

"Yeah. As much as I'm alive. Coz daddy is alive! And now here's my mommy! I'm here to reunite the whole family so that Granny wouldn't be so hysterical anymore!!!" Riku said happily before hugging Vincent happily again.

"I think your Granny might just kill herself if you reunite the family," Cloud thought silently, realizing who the _granny is._

"NO!" Vincent pushed the boy away from himself and hid behind Tifa. "Tifa, please, you've got dark hair! You can go and tell Riku that you're his mommy instead of me!" he whispered.

"You gotta be kidding me! I'm not tall enough! Besides, his _mommy _ is flat-chested. Heehee!" Tifa pointed out before poking Vincent's chest and laughed teasingly at him.

Vincent turned red as his eyebrows twitched at Tifa. "Traitor," he muttered miserably.

"Mommy! It's destiny that you decided to poke me at the side of the road! Fulfill it!!" Riku said as he tried to drag Vincent to who-knows-where. 

"Destiny!" Tifa chanted. 

"… Destiny!" Cloud chimed in. 

"……….DESTINY!!!!" random passers-by chanted also. 

Vincent felt the world spinning. Then visions of Sephiroth laughing happily, Lucrecia acting hysterical and Hojo pointing at him and laughing heartily filled his mind. 

"AAAAAARGH!!!!! I'M A MAN!!!! A MAN!!!!" Vincent screamed as the world faded to black. 

*** 

            Vincent slowly opened his eyes and saw that everything that surrounded him was all white. "Oh… if this is heaven and it's a dream, may I never wake up again…" he said softly with a drowsy look on his face, thinking that the _others might be in hell already for tormenting him._

"I wouldn't say that if I were you,"

Vincent's eyes widened and he sat up, turned to the person who spoke up.

It was Rufus, seated on a couch beside the bed, his legs crossed and his arms crossed as he stared coldly at Vincent.

"Wh…what are you doing here? Am I dead and… here in the… Lifestream?" Vincent asked nervously.

Rufus just shrugged. "I don't know. As far as I'm concerned, what happened in the past had caused the Lifestream to have a direct passageway to the Planet, so privileged people can easily come back and forth from the Lifestream. They don't have to be necessarily dead or anything… as long as they are _worthy of entering and leaving." Rufus explained._

Silence.

"How did I end up here?" Vincent asked nervously.

"Your _son_ brought you back in here." Rufus said.

"So-so-son?!?!" Vincent stammered. 

Rufus gestured towards the glass window that visitors can look through, where Riku was beaming at him like an idiot. 

Vincent's jaw dropped. "You should be proud to have such a caring son, you know," Rufus said mockingly while doing his trademark hair-flip. 

Vincent's functional fist shook with rage. "You…. You…" he started, but he was interrupted when the good ol' tall silver-haired man entered suddenly with a bouquet of white and red roses. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Vinny-baby!" he greeted happily.

Vincent fainted instantly.

"Oh my… what happened to Vinny?" Sephiroth asked curiously.

Rufus got up, "Oh, your wife is just happy to see you again," he said with a sarcastic look.

Vincent got up. "I heard that," he muttered glumly. "Damn, this isn't really happening to me…" he thought silently.

Riku got inside, interrupting them, "Daddy, Granny Crecia is calling you from the Mental Ward," he announced.

Vincent's eyes grew wide. "…Lucrecia?" he asked in shock.

As if on cue, he saw Lucrecia starting to chase Riku like a psychopath. "YOU SPAWN OF THE DEVIL!!! Why my son, of all people?!?!?!?" she shrieked. Riku just replied, "I love you too, Granny!" and embraced her happily.

Lucrecia shrieked again and broke down into tears.

Vincent got up, went to Lucrecia and pushed Riku away from her, "Lucrecia!" he said happily before embracing her tightly.

"V…Vinny?" she asked, sniffing, returning to her normal state of mind.

"Mommy, how could you?!" Sephiroth said accusingly to Lucrecia. 

"What's going on?!" Riku screeched like a traumatized child. Then everyone except Vincent and Rufus started bickering. 

Vincent watched them with his mouth agape. Rufus shook his head, patted Vinny's back and said, "Aren't you one big happy family?" 

"I hate you," was all Vincent could say before turning back to Lucrecia. "Now, we can be together!" he said happily with a solemn look on his face.

"Yes, Vincent." She said happily.

"NO! Mommy! Vinny is mine!" Sephiroth argued, pulling Vincent away from his own mother.

"NO!" Lucrecia shrieked again, covering her ears and collapsing to the ground.

"Mommy! Please don't leave me!" Riku ran back to Vincent, hugging him tightly.

"I AM NOT YOUR MOMMY!" Vincent shrieked… and saw Rufus just standing in one corner of the room, staring at them blankly.

Vincent turned back to Riku.

Blue eyes.

Then back to Rufus.

Blue eyes.

Vincent smirked. "THAT'S YOUR REAL MOMMY!" he pointed at Rufus.

Rufus's eyes widened. "WHOT?!" he demanded, raising his eyebrow.

Riku began to sniffle. "H…how could you say that? Don't you love me anymore? You're disowning me already?!?!?" his eyes began to water. 

Vincent, now having more hope, patted Riku's back. "It's not like that, Riku. I can't be your _mommy, I've got red eyes. See?" he said, referring to his red peepers. _

Riku sniffed, then turned to Rufus. 

Rufus stepped back.

Sephiroth crossed his arms. "Vincent, don't be silly! You're his mommy! So what else are you going to say, that his other mommy is Cloud because Cloud's got blue eyes?" he challenged.

"No," Aerith snapped, crossing her arms. She was just standing in one corner, watching them silently with another little boy with brown hair. 

Riku ran over to the boy, "WHEEE! Buddy!" he said happily as he ran to the boy with brown hair.

"Hey, Riku!" the boy greeted.

"And who's that?" Vincent asked, turning to Aerith curiously.

"Oh, this is Sora." She said proudly.

"I don't want to ask who he is…" Vincent muttered before turning back to Riku, "Hey, kid, I'm still talking to you," he said.

Riku turned back to his "mommy" with tear-stained eyes. "Yes, mommy," he said sadly.

"Don't call me that; I'm not your mommy… Rufus is your mommy," Vincent urged.

"Wh…what?" Riku asked.

"Yes! You have your daddy's hair, and you have Rufus's eyes!" Vincent said rather convincingly.

"NO!" Rufus snapped at him.

"Yes!" Vincent argued.

"He is definitely not my son. I don't even have a son yet!" Rufus argued.

"Oh, so you have a daughter?" Sephiroth asked curiously, turning to Rufus and then patting his shoulder, "Well then, we should let her meet my Riku. Who knows, they could be future lovers!" he said.

Rufus raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm not yet even married, why would I even have a daughter? I don't have any children yet." he reasoned out.

"You know, Rufus, these days, you don't need to get married to have children." Sephiroth began.

"…" Rufus knew that it would be no use reasoning out with them.

"I don't believe you. My mommy really has long black hair. Mister Rufus has blonde hair! You're still my mommy no matter what happens!" Riku told Vincent before hugging him again.

"Oh no… please tell me that this isn't happening…" Lucrecia prayed out loud.

"Lucrecia," Vincent began, turning to her.

"Now, Vinny, we're reunited! Give me a big kiss!" Sephiroth embraced Vincent.

"NOOOOOO! My son is gay!!!" Lucrecia shrieked, the shriek causing Vincent's mind to blur…

*** 

            Vincent gasped as he opened his eyes. It was dark.

"I… I'm alive?" he thought silently as he pushed off the lid of his coffin, rising up with wide eyes. He sighed heavily. "That was some dream…" he said softly, feeling his own cold hands. He felt so numb. "Good thing it was only a dream…" he thought silently before he decided to get some fresh air outside.

The moment he got out of the ShinRa Mansion, he kept on thinking about Lucrecia again as he began to take a walk around the small town. He passed by Tifa's house and saw her dusting the window. She waved a quick "hi" at him as she smiled. He smiled back and moved on.

A few blocks later, he passed by Cloud's house and saw him seated on his front porch with a thoughtful look on his face.

Cloud raised up his gaze to Vincent and raised his eyebrows at him as greeting.

Vincent smiled slightly at him as he went by, then when he turned away from Cloud and was already a few feet away from him, he thought he heard a child's voice telling Cloud, "Daddy, daddy! Mommy says that you should come inside now because breakfast is ready!" 

And he heard Cloud reply, "Okay, Sora." And then, "Hey, Aerith, what's for breakfast?"

Vincent's eyes widened in shock before turning around again, but Cloud wasn't there anymore. 

He frowned slightly and shrugged. "Must be my imagination…" he thought before he turned to leave, but stopped when he saw a silver-haired little boy seated on the side-walk…

"No… it's not really there… I'm seeing things… because the dream a while ago seemed so real and it's playing tricks on my mind already… I think I'd better go back to the ShinRa mansion and just read the paper and…" he stopped thinking when he saw the little boy turn to him and then smiled.

Vincent just screamed…

*** 

So was it a dream or not? ;-)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Authors' notes: In case you're in a blur, Sora and Riku are from Kingdom Hearts. =)


	5. Tseng

            One day, upon waking up, Tseng realized that he had lost his mole.

"Oh. My. God," Tseng thought in bewilderment. He checked out his Wutaian-made hand mirror to make sure if he was imagining things again or not. 

No mole there. 

"Tseeeeng!" he shrieked to himself. Why the mole? The mole was what made him a respected person in his native homeland! It wasn't just a change in appearance for him, it was a change in social status and tradition! 

At least that was what he babbled on later to his fellow Turks. 

"Turks! What do you suggest we do about this predicament?!" Tseng asked with a panicked tone. 

The other Turks were busy staring at his forehead. 

"AAARGH! You stupid Turks! Stop staring at my forehead!" Tseng screeched hysterically, making Elena, Rude and Reno jerk.

Reno snickered. "Hey, boss! Your mole's gone! What happened to it?" he asked.

Tseng frowned at him. "I don't know." He replied miserably.

"Uhm… heehee… Boss Tseng, I think that isn't really a big problem." Elena said.

"Oh yeah?! So you think that having salary deductions from President Rufus is more of a big problem than this one! I NEED THAT DAMN FRIGGIN' MOLE!" he reasoned out frantically.

"What do you need that mole for, anyway?" Reno asked lazily.

"It makes me for who I am!" Tseng said.

They were interrupted when Heidegger entered. "Gyahahahaha…" he stopped laughing and stared at Tseng. "Oh, so you have a new Turk? How come I didn't know? Where's Tseng?" he asked.

"TSEEEEEENG!!!!! It's meh!!!!!" Tseng shrieked with his Wutaian accent slipping.

Heidegger snorted. "Liar." He pointed out.

"Huh?" Tseng was surprised.

"I know Tseng when I see him! He's got that insect embedded permanently on the middle of his forehead!" Heidegger pointed out before laughing.

"It's not an insect, it's a mole!" Tseng corrected, feeling so impatient with his boss.

"Gyahahahahahahahaha!" Heidegger just laughed. "Of all the places where you can find a mole, why in there?" Heidegger asked.

"Uh-oh…" Rude, Reno and Elena just rushed out of the Turks' Lounge, knowing the danger awaiting inside.

Tseng's nostrils flared, his face turned red and he started shrieking in another language unknown to Heidegger. 

Heidegger stared strangely at Tseng. "Uhm… okay, you violent Turk, just tell Tseng that there will be a parade later on around Midgar. You Turks should stand around President Rufus because you will be his personal bodyguards today!" he said before exiting.

"Urgh… I am Tseng, eedeeyot!" (Translation: "Urgh… I am Tseng, idiot!")

            Rufus climbed on his float. "All right, I'm ready for the parade, Heidegger. Where are the bodyguards? I trust you got the Turks to do it…" he said. 

"Gyah… Tseng, Reno, Rude, Elena and a new Turk would be in charge of the bodyguard duties, sir," Heidegger replied. 

Rufus raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Another new Turk? You seen him?" 

"Gyah… I think he's related to Tseng. Got his looks and temper." 

The President flipped his hair. "I don't know what is it with these Wutaians…" he said snottily. 

"Yeah, you're half Wutaian too, President…" Heidegger thought, thinking about Rufus's surname.

The parade music began to play and Rufus felt so ridiculous. It was the music played during his welcoming ceremony in Junon.

"Where are the bodyguards? They're late?" he snapped at Heidegger.

            "Here ya go, boss! This'll be yer temporary mole," Reno said as he and Elena tried to super-glue a dead black fly on Tseng's forehead.

"This is a stupid idea… why put a stupid carcass on my forehead! Where'd you get that?" Tseng asked.

"Trash can with the biodegradable stuff from the kitchen… with fish scales and chicken bones and stuff." Rude replied.

"WHAT?!" Tseng demanded.

They all heard the parade music.

"OH NO!!! We're late!" Elena rushed out of the waiting area, leaving them behind.

"Wait up!" Reno and Rude went after her, leaving Tseng there, looking frustrated.

"They should've just used black felt pen! Idiots…" Tseng rushed out.

Rufus was already glaring at him impatiently. "It's about time!" he snapped.

"Sorry, sir!" Tseng apologized with a sheepish look on his face.

"Stupid Wutaian Tsengker…" Rufus muttered before facing the audience.

The float began to move.

Heidegger whispered to Rufus, "Wave at the people!"

Rufus faked a smile at everyone but didn't wave.

The people cheered.

They could hear some squeamish young ladies screaming Rufus's name.

Rufus flipped his hair and flashed his most handsome smile at the young ladies.

They reached Sector 7 and Heidegger signaled the Turks to move closer to Rufus. "AVALANCHE is here, they might throw some tomatoes at him or do something stupid." He instructed.

The Turks obeyed, but Tseng was rather hesitant. "Oh no… I hope they don't really do that… if they throw something at us and it hits my head! The fly might fall!" he thought silently.

And yeah, the whole gang was there.

"Oh no… here they are…" Tseng muttered to them.

"What?" Rufus asked.

"N…nothing, Sir." Heidegger said, not wanting to worry Rufus.

But the President was stubborn, scanning the whole area… and while doing so, his gaze passed by Tseng's forehead and something caught his attention. "Bloody hell, what is that?" he demanded.

"Wha?" Tseng asked.

"That thing on your head…" Rufus pointed out.

The audience noticed what President Rufus was looking at and turned their gazes to Tseng. 

Tseng turned crimson. Especially when he heard some guy remark, "Must be caused by Mako mutation… these ShinRa people are crazy, like I told ya before, junior…" 

"Well? What is it? Your horrible mole-thing is ruining my parade!" Rufus demanded. 

And Heidegger gasped. "YOU ARE NOT TSENG!!!!! YOU'RE AN IMPOSTOR!" Heidegger pushed Tseng off the float, but Tseng caught hold of Rufus's jacket and so eventually, he dragged the blonde guy with him off the float, landing on Cloud Strife.

"NO! YOU STUPID WUTAIAN TSENGKER!" Rufus snapped angrily at Tseng.

The others watched unbelievably as the "mole" moved and flew away.

Rude raised his eyebrows. "Reno, it was still alive," he declared.

"Oh man…" Reno muttered, rushing off from the float, with Rude and Elena following from behind him.

"Need help?" Tifa and Aerith helped Rufus up.

Cloud snorted. "I think I'm the one who needs help here?!" he demanded, since he was the one under Rufus.

Rufus smiled mockingly at him. "Sorry," he said as he got up, and rushed over to Tseng and collared him. "You…" he began.

"S-sir… I can explain!" Tseng said with a panicked tone. 

Rufus raised his eyebrow. "Hey… you're not Tseng," he said.

"Huh?" Tseng wondered.

"No mole…. Heidegger was right, for once! You stupid Wutaian Tsengker impostor!!!" Rufus growled. "Your stupid antics made me look stupid in front of the little people!" 

"But, but, but I'm Tseng!! Tseng is I!!! TSEEENG! Yu hab to beleeeb me! (translated: You have to believe me!)" His Wutaian accent slipped out again. 

"He does sound like Tseng… but where's the mole?" Aerith whispered to Tifa. 

"I thought that it looks kinda funny… maybe Tseng just attached a fake mole on his forehead all his years at ShinRa, and for some reason he forgot to put on a fake mole today?" Tifa whispered back to Aerith. 

"Heehee! Maybe he ran out of ink on his black felt pen or something!" Yuffie joked.

The three girls began to laugh, making the others wonder.

"Great… now they're laughing at me…" Rufus thought miserably.

And because of the commotion Tseng had caused, Barret and the others were able to kidnap Rufus ShinRa… and Heidegger and the other executives gave Tseng a horrible sermon afterwards…

And when Rufus was already in the AVALANCHE base, he said he didn't want to go back to ShinRa anymore because everyone there is an idiot and he doesn't want to die just because of their stupidity.

And that was pretty much how ShinRa Inc fell. 

Bah.

And all because Tseng lost his mole one morning.

-end!... for now. ;-)-


	6. Reeve

Six: Reeve

            One day, upon waking up, Reeve rubbed his chin and found out that his goatee and mustache were gone. 

Which was strange because he didn't remember shaving anything the day before. 

"What the heck is wrong today?" Reeve mumbled to himself. He looked at himself in the bathroom mirror and was surprised when he didn't recognize the beardless guy looking back at him.  

"Gosh, I look different…" Different was right. He looked a bit like President Rufus, only with darker hair. 

"Well, goatee or no goatee, I have to get to work," Reeve said before proceeding to pretty himself for his 'dorky' Urban Development duties. 

As he was walking down the hallway going to his office, he met Heidegger and Palmer on the way. The two jaw-dropped upon seeing him. "Is that you, Reeve?" Heidegger asked in awe.

Reeve noticed the facial expression on their faces, "Eh… yeah. Why?" he asked.

"You look… different…" Palmer pointed out.

"Well… I guess I accidentally shaved off the goatee and the mustache off my face… though I don't exactly know how…maybe last night I was so drunk because you guys threw a birthday party for me… which is just so unbelievable." Reeve answered awkwardly. 

Heidegger circled him and examined him more. "Gyah… I've got one advice for ya, Reeve…. Stay away from the President and Scarlet," he said. 

"Why would I do that? I need to meet with them… meetings and all that," Reeve answered. 

"Cuz you look like President Rufus, that's why! Tra la la! And Scarlet would just fall head over feet with the new you! Tralalalala!!!" Palmer started doing his stupid happy Palmer dance again. 

"What do you know anyway?" Reeve muttered before entering his office.

"Gyahahahaha. If he only knows, we were the ones who shaved off his goatee and mustache while he was sleeping last night! Gyahahahahahaha!" Heidegger told Palmer while laughing.

"What are you two idiots laughing at?" Scarlet demanded from behind them.

The two jerked slightly and smiled ridiculously at Scarlet. "Nothin. We're just crackin' jokes. Anyway, what are you doing here?" Palmer asked.

"Kyah… It's time for the meeting, you dolts. Get to the conference room before the President starts getting cranky again… Where the heck is the Urban Development Dork?" Scarlet asked the fat ones. 

She was surprised when the two started giggling, or rather, guffawing at an inside joke. 

"KYAH! What the heck is wrong with you pigs?!" Scarlet snapped impatiently. 

"Nothin', nothin'… Reeve's at his office," Palmer said before snickering again. 

"Fine, I get to go to the 'cat' office… What the hell are you two laughing about anyway?!" she practically growled when Palmer and Heidegger won't stop laughing. 

"Gyahahahah! Nothing you'd be interested in…. Scah-let," Heidegger gasped out. 

"Well, we'll be on our merry fat way! Tralalalala!" Palmer said as he and Heidegger went… well, on their merry fat way. 

"Humph. Stupid fat General. Stupid fat…. What does that Palmer do again? Kyah…." Scarlet mumbled to herself as she walked her way into Reeve's office. 

***

"Hmph. I gotta do something about these lights. So dim here…" Reeve mumbled to himself as he tapped at the fluorescents hanging from the ceiling. "I guess it's sunlight for me today. This day just keeps getting better and better…" he grumbled as he turned on Cait Sith. 

"What can I do for ya, boss? Hey, nice shave!" Cait said cheerfully. 

Reeve sighed, frustrated. "Whatever. Go open up the blinds for me, Cait." He commanded. 

"Gladly. Hope I can reach the thingy, though—you still haven't fixed up Mog." Cait said as it ran towards the windows. 

By that time, Scarlet reached his office. "Kyah! Reeve! Do something about this office! It's too dark! Are you a hermit or something?" 

"I am, already…" Reeve said, pointing towards Cait who was jumping up and down to reach the rope thingy to open up the blinds. 

Scarlet sighed in a frustrated manner and went towards him. "Well, come on! President Rufus is waiting in the conference room!!!" 

"Oh, shoot, I forgot!!!" Reeve said. "Where… the paperwork??!" he mumbled to himself, getting fumbly every minute. (… fumbly?) 

"Kyah… Let me help you… stupid…" said Scarlet, who also started flipping folders here and there. 

"Oh! Finally!!!!" Cait exclaimed as it reached the rope-thingy and the blinds opened and sunlight flooded the room. 

Which caused Scarlet to _finally see the Brand-spankin' new Reeve! (dandalandan!) _

Cait Sith's tail accidentally hit the _play_ button on  Reeve's CD player, causing some music to play… and the music was the theme from Romeo and Juliet (you know, the song that plays in the game _The Sims_ whenever two Sims are kissing?)

Scarlet's jaw dropped as she stared wide-eyed in awe at Reeve's new look. The guy seemed oblivious to what Scarlet was doing as he gathered his paperwork together plus a pen and a small notepad. "No need to help me, Scarlet, I already got the things that I need…" he stopped when he looked at her, staring at her facial expression with a ridiculous look on his face.

"Kyaaaaah….." it sounded like a croak.

Reeve raised an eyebrow. "Are you okay, Scarlet?" he asked.

She blushed as she got back to her senses while shaking her head, as if shaking off the "evil" thoughts in her mind… "KYAH! Of… course, I'm okay… and you, are you okay?" she asked mindlessly with a silly smile on her face, suddenly fiddling with her own fingers.

Reeve noticed the sudden behavioral change in her and it made him feel afraid. "Eh… yes, I'm okay… I think…" he said, taking a step backward away from her and then turned to Cait Sith with an impatient look on his face, "Will you turn that music off?! It's bothering me!" he spoke to the cat with a trembling tone.

"Kyah! It's okay! The music is… okay! In fact, I love it!" she said with a sweet smile on her face.

Scarlet smiling sweetly at Reeve? He felt goosebumps all over his body. "I'll see you in the conference room," he rushed out of the office, leaving Scarlet and Cait Sith there in wonder.

"What's wrong with him?" Cait Sith asked in wonder before licking itself (sorry, we don't know the gender of this thing).

Scarlet just sighed with a dreamy look on her face. "Is that even Reeve?" she asked dreamily.

Cait Sith suddenly had an urge to find a litter box because of what it heard. "I wish I was a real cat to get rid of this…" it mewed to itself before hiding in one corner of the office. 

Scarlet, in a trance, waltzed out of the room in a very different mood. 

*** 

            "Okay, so we need a Public Relations Officer for this new project. How am I going to choose a new Public Relations Officer if all of you are as _brilliant as you are!"_

And the executives and the Turks all continued to listen rather forcefully as more insulting and degrading words came out from President Rufus's mouth… with matching sarcasm.

"We could… nominate…" Palmer suggested with a weak smile on his face.

"Geez! Why can't Rufus just tell it to our faces how much he doesn't trust us anymore?!" Reeve was thinking silently before turning to his seatmate to his right (the person next to Rufus). 

Scarlet.

He raised his eyebrow upon seeing that Scarlet was looking at him dreamily while doodling hearts mindlessly on her marketing plan.

"Oh my God…" he thought silently before slowly turning his gaze to Heidegger and Palmer, his eyes saying to them, "_help!"_

The two just stifled their laughter upon seeing Reeve looking at them like that.

Tseng raised his hand, "President Rufus, I would like to suggest that we just hire a PR Officer so you won't have to pick out from one of us." He suggested.

Rufus suddenly laughed out loud, which surprised them, because he never laughed in front of them. He suddenly pounded on the table with his fists as he stopped laughing and got up in an angry stance, his facial expression drastically changing from pleased (because of laughter) to menacing. "You stupid Wutaian Tsengker!" and glared angrily at the others. "You all know that we have a tight budget right now and that we can't afford to hire another…" he stopped talking when his gaze landed on Scarlet who was still doodling hearts all over her marketing plan.

This caused everyone else to stare at Scarlet too. 

She didn't stop until she heard Rufus ask, "What are you doing?"

Scarlet jerked and looked up at Rufus. "Kyah…" she responded.

Rufus snatched the paper full of red, girly hearts. "Oh, I think it would be interesting if I showed your rather 'intelligent' progress report to these other dopes, wouldn't it, Scarlet?" he said. 

She felt like a school girl being caught by a horrible teacher doodling during a sermon. "Ky—ah…" she mumbled sheepishly, wanting to shrink. 

Rufus began to flip through the pages and even saw a poem written on it together with the hearts. He raised his eyebrow. "Reeve, my precious, precious Reeve. How do I love thee? But do you love me? I hope you do, because I do. And it's true! Forever blue. Until the time is through." He read it out loud.

The others snickered and began laughing, while Reeve was literally slipping down from his chair.

Scarlet was blushing, her face as red as her dress, but she still had this sheepish smile on her face.

"Somebody kill me now…" Reeve thought. 

Rufus guffawed rather loudly. "Well, Reeve, it looks like you've got yourself an admirer. I just hope you two don't do honky-honkies during office hours unless you both want salary deductions?"

Reeve swallowed hard. "Honky-honkies?" he asked nervously.

"It means, _making-babies_, you dork!" Heidegger added before laughing in his usual "Gyahahahahaha" way.

The whole conference room exploded with laughter… and Reeve felt so dizzy. 

Palmer then mindlessly babbled, "Hey Reeve, looks like we did you a favor when we got you drunk and shaved you clean last night, eh?" 

"WHAAAAT?!?!" Reeve shouted, causing a few moments of shock for everyone. (including the Prez, yeah.) Well, cuz nobody heard mild-mannered Reevie scream angrily before.

"You… fatties… shaved my face last night?!?!" Reeve forced himself to say calmly. 

Palmer flinched in effect. "Fatties?" he said with hurt in his voice. 

"Gyah… don't deny it, fatty. And, yeah Reeve, we did. Whatcha gonna do about it?" Heidegger said. 

Silence.

"Kyah! You miserable fatsos! Kyah! How could you do that to Reeve? Why are you always making fun of Reeve?!" Scarlet snapped at them.

Silence.

"Come to think of it, fat peoples always bully slim people…" Tseng thought out loud.

"Maybe they're jealous coz he's slim and they're not." Reno pointed out.

Silence.

"What are we talking about again?" Rufus asked.

Even more silence. 

"Hic," hiccupped Reno. 

"That's it. This meeting is over. You all get a salary deduction for wasting yet another hour of my eventful life." Rufus said irritably. 

And so, with more lessons learnt, the executives walked out of the conference room with more worries and less salaries. W00t. 

But all did not end so bad... because: 

1) Reeve and Scarlet tried going out and they found out that each other wasn't so bad. 

2) Palmer and Heidegger, having been called fatties, went on a diet that improved their health… but still remained fat. 

3) President Rufus ended up with more money because of the savings out of the salary deductions. 

4) Reeve had his beard and mustache back, eventually, but Scarlet began to make it a habit to shave it off while he's asleep… until one time, she accidentally shaved off his eyebrows *uh-oh…*

-end for now-


	7. Tifa

Seven: Tifa

            One day, upon waking up, Tifa found out that she…

Had lost her assets. 

She gasped in horror… even as she went to the 7th Heaven Bar that evening, she was still stunned.

Aerith came running in and stared unbelievably at Tifa. "Tifa… what happened?I had heard that you lost your assets, but I didn't wanna believe it, but it's true… what happened?" she said in horror. 

"I… I don't know…" Tifa said in disbelief. "I… I slept last night knowing I still had them… and now… they're gone…" she said softly as she poured herself a glass of water from the fridge.

Aerith approached her. "I think you should… rest for a while. You look so terrible…" she said.

"I do?!" Tifa asked as she looked up at Aerith when she seated herself on a stool.

"Yeah, you look stressed out." Aerith said gently as she patted her head.

Tifa began to cry. "Those are so precious to me! Now they're gone!!! I can never face people again without those!" she said as she covered her face with her hands as she sobbed helplessly.

"No, Tifa… I'm sure they went to the 7th heaven for other reasons, you know?" Aerith said reassuringly. 

"But Aerith, those are what made 7th Heaven beautiful!" Tifa said.

Barret entered. "Teef! Teef! I heard what happened!..." he froze. "Oh my goodness… the foo'… I hardly recognized…" he trailed off when Tifa looked up at him with a warning look, "Don't ever think of continuing that sentence," she warned stiffly.

Barret just cleared his throat. "Oh…kay… but what happened… to your assets?" he asked in disbelief.

"I… I don't know!" Tifa exclaimed.

"Maybe ShinRa has 'em." Barret sneered.

"What would they even do with it?" Aerith asked.

"I don't know… give them to Rufus?" Barret asked.

Silence.

"You're not making me feel any better, Barret," Tifa said darkly. 

"Heheh… just tryin' ta cheer ya up, foo'… Look," said Barret, patting her back, "Losing your assets doesn't mean you should quit runnin' the 7th Heaven, a'ight? Now you go out there and do your job right!" 

"Go where? I'm here in the 7th Heaven already." Tifa pointed out.

"I meant da counter, ya foo'!" Barret told her.

She slowly got up and hugged herself, appearing as if she's covering her chest. "I'm so miserable…" she said with a sad look on her face.

"Tifa, don't be ashamed! It's not your fault!" Aerith said reassuringly.

"But… but…" Tifa stammered. She then sighed, put her hands down and went out to the public. 

The public cheered, and, trying their best to ignore the lack of assets, started ordering whatever is available. 

A few minutes later, Rufus ShinRa went in all by himself like a big boy. He looked around, and his eyes fell on Tifa. He frowned a bit as he approached her. 

Tifa, feeling Rufus' gaze on herself, looked down and tried to hide behind the counter by pretending to get something below. She froze when she felt Rufus tap her back. "Hello there," he greeted. 

"H-hi!" Tifa replied sheepishly. "Welcome to the 7th heaven may I take your order?" she said breathlessly. 

"I… can't help but notice that you don't have any…" Rufus tried to find the right word to say, "assets." He finished. 

Tifa sighed in response. "Are they that obvious?!" she said in frustration. 

"Yes, pretty obvious." 

Cloud, who was eavesdropping from the "Authorized Personnel Only" area, raised an eyebrow. 

"Uhm… Aerith… what are they talking about?!" he whispered to Aerith, who was cooking something. 

She looked up and answered, "Oh, poor Tifa. She lost her assets this morning…" 

Cloud made a face. "Lost… her… what?" 

"Assets," Aerith replied simply. 

"How come you're so calm?" Cloud asked in disbelief. 

She looked at him curiously. "Huh? What do you mean?" 

"I mean, if Tifa lost her assets, doesn't that mean…" he trailed off when he heard Tifa speak up again.

"I really don't know what to do now, Rufus… I mean, without my assets, the 7th Heaven would probably go down in a flame…" Tifa told Rufus. 

"Don't worry, Tifa. If you want, I can lend you my assets," Rufus replied. 

The eavesdropping people gasped in shock.

"How the hell is Rufus going to do that?!" Barret asked with a confused look on his face.

"He can do that easily, right? I mean, with his money, anything's possible…" Aerith said. 

Cloud looked at them in disbelief. 

Barret shook his head, "I'm going back to the house." He said before leaving, passing through the back door, leaving Cloud and Aerith inside the "Authorized Personnel Only" Room.

Cloud just stood there with a dumbfounded look on his face. "Would you mind explaining to me, Aerith?" he asked.

"Explain what?" she asked.

"How is Rufus going to…" Cloud trailed off when Rufus spoke up again, saying, "We'll start tomorrow."

"Can't it be tonight?" Tifa asked.

Cloud's eyes widened. "Surgery?" he thought.

"The stock market is closed already. We'll do it tomorrow, alright?" Rufus asked.

Cloud frowned. "Oh, so he gets his money from the stock market?" he thought silently before listening to Rufus say, "What are you so sad about, still?" 

"I feel so miserable and hopeless without those assets of mine… it's like I'm not complete without them…" Tifa responded.

"Oh don't worry, Tifa, you're still beautiful even without them." Rufus said. 

Now Cloud was _really_ confused. "I'm outta here…" he mumbled to Aerith. 

"Why? Don't you want to help me here?" she asked.

"You can just tell Tifa to stop moping around just because she lost her… her assets and then move on and don't consider having surgery." Cloud said before going out through the backdoor. 

Aerith blinked. "Surgery? What the heck was Cloud thinking? Oh well," she shrugged and continued chopping veggies. 

The next day, Tifa's assets still weren't back. 

She went down to the dining area for breakfast and saw Cloud, Cid and Vincent gaping at her like they have seen a ghost of some sort or something else.

Aerith turned to her and smiled sweetly. "Oh, good morning, Tifa! Did you get your assets back already?" she asked.

"No. Not yet. But Rufus said that he's coming over to help me get them back," Tifa responded with a weary look on her face as she sat down and got a piece of bread… but before she took a bite, she froze upon noticing that the three boys were still staring at her. "Good morning," she greeted.

"Uh… you still don't have your assets back?" Cloud asked uneasily.

"Yeah." She replied.

"Eh…" Cloud hesitated.

"Well, how come your boobs are there?" Cid asked directly.

Silence.

"Maybe surgery isn't over yet… you know, I think it comes in stages," Vincent pointed out nervously.

Silence.

Aerith and Tifa exchanged confused glances with one another. "What?" the latter asked.

Silence.

"Tifa! I got your assets back!" Rufus announced as he barged in.

Silence.

"You know how funny that sounds, Rufus?" Cid asked teasingly.

Rufus raised an eyebrow as he stared at Cid Highwind. "What?" he asked.

"How much did you pay for Tifa's surgery, Rufus?" Cloud asked.

"What surgery?" Rufus asked with a ridiculous look on his face.

"Uh…" Cloud hesitated.

Aerith began to snicker.

Tifa got up, annoyed, her face red in embarrassment. "What the hell are you talking about?! I know what's going on here, you think…"

Cloud got up and patted her shoulder, "No need to be embarrassed about it, Tifa, we know you have a rich boyfriend and all and we never knew he just loved you because of your big chest and then he insisted on letting you have surgery and put silicons and…"

Tifa slapped his face, "Why I never?!?"

Rufus was shocked. "Bloody hell! Idiot! ASSETS! Not the… not _that_!" he told Cloud impatiently.

Silence.

"Oh… the assets… as in… money?" Vincent asked.

"Hell, yeah?!" Aerith, Tifa and Rufus all said in unison.

Silence.

"I think I'll just walk Red XIII outside," Cid said before he got up and left.

"Uh… I'm needed… outside… it's my turn to water the petunias…" Vincent said before he got up and went out in a hurry. 

Which left Aerith, Tifa and Rufus to stare at Cloud.

"Uhm… I'm… uh… g'bye," he said before running out of the house. 

"So… they thought it's… _that_," Rufus said, pointing at Tifa's chest.

She smacked his hand away from her chest. "Leave it alone," she muttered miserably.

Aerith just giggled.

-end- 

a/n: you naughty, naughty readers. ;-) 


End file.
